Dear Des,

I have written in you for years now but I think it is time to end you. You have been a great listener and outlet but realistically you can not exist. There is no girl out there that will listen to what I have to say with an unbiased ear. Specially since I seem to like to talk about girls. It is also a shame because I did not want to lose you however there are a few people that are reading you that make it impossible to rant or vent without backlash which makes you worthless. Fucking people.

Well let's see I had sex with Vicky. It was fun we did this position were her legs were over my shoulders and I was going deep into her. She loved it.

I must say I am loving fucking anyone other then Sarah. Having a girl that can multiple orgasm is the best thing ever. I love getting a girl to shake from how many times she has came.

Well yesterday Chris came back from the holidays, he was in Texas visiting. It was nice having him gone I drove the stick shift all the time and learned it really well. Kevin Sood one of my oldest friends got kicked out of his place so I have two unemployed roommates right now. yay. Through more responsibility on me god! I wonder if there will ever be a moment in my life where I wont be able balance multiple things. I call it juggling life. Yeah I like to think I am really good at it.

Umm what else is there. Me and Chris haven't been doing well at all. Yesterday we went to a party thing with Gabrielle and Devaney once again Chris stole my thunder and took the spot light so I didn't get to talk to Devaney. Gabrielle seems to like me a lot. Everyone noticed her being into me. I don't know if I want to pursue that though because I am kind of not sure if I want to. Man I don't know I can't really describe how I feel. Damn I'm an idiot I can't even understand my own feels sometimes now how am I supposed to explain that to anyone else?

New Years coming up and I don't know what to do I feel at a lost when it comes to people. In life I feel like I have everything figured out I work full time, and I am in the process of moving and I just feel like I have a great handle on life except of course when it comes to women and my feelings. Betsy and Vicky are just confusing the shit out of me.

Sighs I think I will log off now for some reason I don't even think I can tell you some things Des. Good Night

Hey Des,

This entry has been long over due. Where to start well lets go forward to backwards sort to speak. So most recent to least recent.

Hung out with Betsy a few nights ago. It was chill and we just talked about Chris and music and books. You know neutral stuff. Then she wanted to be outside which I thought was weird because she was in a skirt and it was cold out. So we end up at a park, sitting on a bench. Out of no where she throws her legs up over mine. I make a joke about how I ain't no ones foot rest. I thought it was weird but didn't read into it because I didn't think she liked me specially with the way she always acted around Chris. Well she gets up so I get up and she just started hugging me saying she loved to hug and hold people that and she was really cold and said she was using me to warm up which made sense. We must have stood there for like an hour it was a long time I was getting so bored! Then out of no where she starts kissing my neck!
I was neutral up to that point but I am only a man and that gets my blood hot and pumping. We kissed and then she went home. Kind of random right?
So my memory is pretty crappy so I have no order to these events but let me tell them anyway.
Friday Chris and Tabatha told me they were going to get me some tai food for lunch and they didn't show, they still had time to stuff their fat faces. And on top of that I called them twice and calmly asked them if I should get my own lunch. As I have said over and over I don't mind that they didn't get me food just that they were to stupid to tell me even when I asked to just get my own lunch. That and Chris insulting me when I pay for his rent and phone is quite a bitch. I keep fantasizing about beat the shit out of him.
Tabatha is really starting to bug me to. Just the way she acts like Chris all the time is annoying. So random and corky its gay I miss the old one that would just sit and chill and talk.
And now Tabatha is talking to another friend of mine. I hate when two of my friends become friends because guess what? That means they get to talk and exchange information about ME! Fantasic Des super cool right? I'm so done with shitty ass people. Friends are a joke. Something wrapped up and presented with a bow and a bow but it is still a shitty thing no matter how beautifully wrapped.
Then another night I was with Chris and Devaney and Chris was being such a cock blocking douchebag that I fucking can't stand it and I don't consider him a best friend anymore. He knows I like this girl so what does he do? Cock blocks, steals all my thunder and chats her ear off until I am just standing alone and forgotten couldn't believe it Des specially after I told him again and again that he needs to be a wing man and not center stage in a girl that I am interested in!

Kristen messaged me told me Sarah messaged her and warned her to stay away from me and said that I was in love with Carolyn because I bought her some earrings. I couldn't stop laughing Des. When the hell did I say I loved her? Sarah is such a dumb, insecure bitch it's just sad. You don't see me messaging her mom talking about how Carolyn is back on drugs and dating a druggie do you? Poor Hodges they are quite pathetic in their own ways. I wonder if Sarah reads you still Des. Probably does because that's how sad her life is.

Fucked Vicky a few nights ago it was hot and fun. We did this one position I don't even know if it has a name. Basically she was straddling my hips but I was still standing.

At work I am learning to wield now which is pretty intense.FIRE!

Watched the UFC fight I really wanted to see Lyoto kick ass and I still think he is the better striker.

Well I got to go Des sorry I couldn't give you more details.

I hate this mentality of we choose to be happy or sad! I want to rant to someone in person because I am no good writing it out. Lets hope someone out there brings it up.

Hey Des,

I drank with Michael, Tabatha, Chris, Adrian and Betsy. Chris and Tabatha say I was flirting with her because I wanted her to keep drinking and stay longer. And I know no one will believe me so I don't bother telling anyone the reason except you Des because I know you know I am telling the truth. I wanted her to stay and keep drinking because apart from the two times she has hung out with me and my friends she never ever gets out. So I was trying to pressure her to stay longer and have more fun.

It pisses me off that everyone thinks they know me and my motives. I know I had a crush on her but that is Dennis' ex! I would never wine and dine her I respect her to much to do that. She is pretty and smart though despite what Chris has to say about her. Everyone thinks I drink and become this slut and all I am is that. Chris is half right when he said I am merely pioneering for the absence of loneliness. I know that is part of the reason I act like a whore but the reason it comes to that, the reason I drink and eventually start acting slutty is because I hate my life. I described it not to long ago as a hamster wheel a miserable hamster wheel that goes no where no matter how long you run it's course and of course it is this same reason that causes me to not stop at my limit I just keep drinking even when I know I should stop. I would also like to say that I find it unfair that I take all the blame for being loose after a few drinks every girl I set my sights on is just as slutty because it obviously takes two right?! But I am the only one that ends up taking flak for it and it is starting to piss me off.

Christmas is coming up and I keep thinking of my father. I can't help it I just start thinking like always and then I immediately want to be alone and drink. Don't know what else to say about this Des no one understands this feeling and they don't realize how much it bothers me. I'd like to spend Christmas with my family but I just know they will smoke on christmas. Shannon said the entire family's Christmas depends on my gift since they want an xbox. So if I don't get them one their Christmas will suck. Lot's of pressure but you know they deserve a good christmas this year having lost dad this year and losing the house and living in a shitty apartment.

People Des. Well there is just to much to say about this outlook which ties in to why I hate life and it's so depressing.

Hung out with Vicky sunday I was super affectionate for some weird reason. She wasn't sexual at all it's starting to make me think we aren't that compatible. Which sucks. I liked hanging out even though her lack of talking is really starting to irritate the hell out of me I hate being the only one that always rants and talks why is it so impossible to find someone that can actually carry a intelligent conversation. Just Kevin and Chris I guess which is saddening. But I did enjoy hanging out with her.

Speaking of Chris I am really starting to lose my patience with his whole I am better then you attitude. His fake optimism

Hey Des,

Can't afford the rent this month Chris is no help he keeps feeling sad and depressed over his bitch. I'm getting pissed and money is just super tight I hate money right now and my family is asking me to help pay there rent too as always.

Hmm in other news Vicky is confusing me and I want to fuck a girl so bad just to relieve some stress you know :( I don't even care how that sounds right now. Can't remember the last time I ate a real home cooked meal. God money money money I can't stand it right now.

Hey Des,

Stupid job I burnt my hand on a piece of metal today god it still hurts like crazy. It was the worst injury ever god I was even whimpering in pain when I was alone.

So Vicky wrote me a letter last night basically saying she is done trying. I was mad at first but I callous over pretty quick. It's for the best right? She has a boyfriend and doesn't need me around to complicate her life. Going to miss being around her she always just gave off good vibes you know? Like even if she didn't say anything or you were mad to begin with you couldn't stay mad you'd eventually brighten up and have a good time. I'll miss being around her talking to her about stuff. Listening to her about stuff. It will be hard to stay in her life but only as a distant friend then again I am sure I can do it.

Well I got to go try and find something to eat and find something to help my hand. God work tomorrow is going to be fun with this mangled hand :) Goodnight Des

Just wanted to say FUCK WOMEN Des god damn they know how to complicate shit on the drop of a hat and it gets old fast. I'm done with this shit!

Hey Des,

Can't seem to get vicky out of my mind earlier today. Half of the thoughts are of her personality and the other half is her gorgeous ass!

Didn't get to write in you last night because I was drinking. So last night was great I started by grabbing all the guys together. We haven't all been together since we all got fired in Oct or something. Then we smooth talked are way into getting into castle park for free which was awesome and illegal but I ran into Devaney and Jackie. Jackie wants to go grab a drink and Devaney wants to make it clear that she wants to hang out, she just called and I guess we are hanging out tomorrow. Life gets more and more complicated right? But I think Vicky is still with her boyfriend I mean I assume she would tell me that she left him which means she hasn't so I don't think she will leave him but that's probably for the best since we can't be together.

I guess I am single I have to keep telling myself that this is what it feels like to be single. I doubt I will ever get really used to the feeling of feeling unwanted and unloved.

So after breaking into castle park we grabbed the friends and went to their place and had a lot of fun drinking. First we played Stacker and beer pong but it was funniest when we sat down and played Kings Cup Adrian said the funniest shit that night he got a jack and made a rule where every time you drink you have to lick your finger and rub your nipple. That and we noticed the jive card is super interesting when its sex motions are used. It was a great night!

Ciao for now Des

Hey Des,

Had sex with Vicky last night man it was amazing! Man she has the perfect ass! And she knows how to moan. It was some of the best sex ever.

I really need to hold back though she loves me and I don't love her and I think I am going to end up hurting her which I don't want to do. Devaney is pretty much ignoring me completely now which is going to make it hard. In other news I went shopping for some of my friends got something for Chris and Devaney which is why it is going to be hard because she doesn't want to see me.

Hmmm I think that is all there is to report right now. Sex was nice it sucks when she stopped to shower I imagined going all night with her maybe hopefully her sex drive will go through the roof because between you and me it would be awesome to have another night like that.